My mother can’t hug my baby!

La Daronne answers all your questions, trying not to miss the mark too much.

La Daronne is the queen of not-so-dumb advice coated in a large dose of more or less subtle humor. Here he is back to save a reader!

The question for Daronne

Dear Daronne,

My son is almost a month old and apart from my unconditional love for him, I also had a possessiveness that is a bit difficult to live with especially his grandmothers.

When they ask me if they can hug her, I accept, because I don’t want to be unpleasant, but it makes you angry.

When my mother calls her “my little treasure”, the possessive determiner really makes me twist, as if I’m the only woman in his life. I know he’s not mine and it’s great that he’s so loved by his grandmothers, but I can’t help but feel this almost animal possessiveness, this resentment.

Is this “normal”? Can I resist her grandmothers urges without being seen as a shrew?

Thanks in advance for your advice.

Lucy

My little wooden rattle,

Do you know why they call me la Daronne? Because I’m Daronne of course! And as Daronne, I know how much the arrival of a child can do, how can I put it mildly… it can be like a big pie in the face. Welcome to motherhood, this wonderful world where you don’t really know why or how, but all the world’s traumas and neuroses come in “Hello, here we go!” mode. We will live with you! “.

When you become a mother, you start to act in ways that you don’t understand and above all, and that’s the good thing…: You don’t react to everything you expect. You thought you were going to flex, you find yourself consumed by anxiety. You think you’ll love the baby at first sight, but it’s a strong, bald frog. You thought, on the contrary, that love would come in time and now a momentum as strong as pain takes everything in its path.

The good news is that contrary to what society dictates would have you believe, there is no right or wrong way to respond to the arrival of a child. Your needs and desires are perfectly legitimate, even if they are not the needs and wants of others.

The bad news is, go explain that to the gaga grandnies who are dying to hug this child they already love so much. BUT YES YOU ARE STRONGER.

You have the right to refuse to hold your baby

I called on my friend Google and most netizens are in your favor: if the mother doesn’t want someone else to hold her baby, just do it. Anyway, the baby is not a toy. Or maybe a rotten toy from the 90s that keeps making noise even after you hit the sleep button. And who would benefit from manipulating such a thing? nobody. So.

What I do know, however, is that co-mmu-ni-ca-tion is important. Don’t hesitate to share your feelings with those around you. Express your discomfort and explain to your loved ones that it is not directed at them personally, but that you will still act accordingly.
And while waiting for it to settle in, remind grandmas that there are plenty of ways to engage with their grandkids that don’t involve drooling over them: small dishes, gifts, a listening ear, family outings , There’s no shortage of ideas.

Take the time you need to be a mother

Even if you have every right to want to merge with the baby, away from the outside world, in practice, I think it’s still worth identifying the reasons for your visceral possessiveness.

It can be a temporary state that you are allowed to experience at your own pace (doesn’t it sound like I’m talking like a kind Instagram account?). It can also be a situation that settles for a long time and in this case, when you think you are ready, you will be able to wonder about the reasons that lead you to act in this way.

As a general rule, remember that far from the clichés of absolute happiness, postpartum and motherhood, it’s a tsunami. Oh yeah, watch me kick the doors down. At the slightest rejection, at the slightest uncertainty, you should not hesitate to ask for help.

Understanding you, seeing things in this new light, moving on, letting go (somewhat), seeing a professional get in touch if things get too heated, all of that takes of time. but you know what? We’re not in pieces, you’re just starting this big maternity thing, you really don’t need to master the file. Between us, I’m a few years old, I still don’t get much and it doesn’t matter. Anyway, no one understands anything about the game and navigates visually by doing the best they can.

Bogus excuses so we can’t touch what we love

While waiting to see more clearly and find out if your possessiveness is really a problem or if it calms down on its own in a few months, there are also irresistible reasons to prevent grandmothers from touching babies.

  • Oh no ! The baby has a dazzling and highly infectious gastro, we know something about it! Don’t touch us or you will be cursed.
  • He is sleeping! And he didn’t sleep well last night, sorry, we couldn’t wake him up. Hey what, do you hear a chirp? No, that’s a neighbor. What do you mean, we live in an isolated house? Oh then it must be a ghost!
  • The pediatrician told us that with all the epidemics that have passed since the end of Covid, we have to avoid people other than the parents touching the baby. YEAH WELL YEAH, me too it seems extreme and I hastened to ask for a second opinion. Unfortunately, it’s always the same.
  • Hello, you are on our voicemail, we are unavailable at the moment. Please leave a message after the beep.
  • DING DONG (ring sound)! …………………………………………………………………………………
  • – Hi darling, can I come and see my little treasure ajd *animated gif teddy bear with hearts*
    Hi Mom! Good, you? It’s clear that 20 degrees in October is freaking out!

As for your mother calling the baby my little treasure, it all depends on your relationship. You can decide to ask him face to face to stop if you trust him, worry or even distance yourself, especially if the past is mixing with the present (very good sentence for ending the mail).

Whatever happens, I wish you luck, you’ll see, it’s hell, but you’ll laugh (promise),

The big big biscuit

Your daronne

Image credit of one: Getty Images Signature

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